you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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