The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
