I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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