kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
