i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
