I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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