Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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