I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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