just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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