Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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