i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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