when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
