i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
