when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I didn't notice because vodka
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
