He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
