apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
