I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
