Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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