if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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