My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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