I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
