Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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