what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
