Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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