where am i from again
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
