she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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