i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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