after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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