Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
