my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
