you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just invented taco cereal.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
