i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
