dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
