my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
