and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
