HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
