There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
