I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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