Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
