A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
