She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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