I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
my liver is dry heaving
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
