She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The air was thick with penises
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
