if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
