I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
