Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
