I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
