yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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