bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
