I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Randomize
